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I wanna go there.

So, you’ve decided to do it. After taking the mountain lions and harsh winters and lack of skyscrapers into account, you’ve decided that Montana is the place to be. Bravo. Congratulations on the best decision of your life. The question becomes “what’s next?”

Personally, to save space, I recommend selling all of your flat screen televisions. You won’t need them here. Or, if you do have the space, bring them along. They’ll make great targets for the new rifles that I’m going to suggest you buy in a paragraph or two. Pay off your parking tickets, buy some winter clothes (even if it’s summer) and find a used tent in a pawn shop. Get a book on gardening, and drink a few extra beers to build your tolerance. The elevation will surprise you.

With these basic prerequisites out of the way, you’re ready to tackle the practical issues. Immediately begin researching what kind of skis you want to buy, and then wait. You’ll find them cheaper here. See: Ski Swap. Figure out what your spirit animal is, and then wait. You’ll find a wooden statue of it, carved by chainsaw, here.

Learn about rifles, and then buy some. Read up on how to shoot but remember that if you can’t learn to swim through books, you definitely might shoot someone in the leg if you try to read your way to marksmanship.

The last step could be difficult depending on your gender, but it is always recommended that you grow a beard. As soon as you’ve decided that Montana is your destination, throw away anything even resembling a razor. That includes scooters and steak knives. Picking up a few flannels couldn’t hurt either.

With these basic steps in place, you’re almost ready. Call your movers, real estate agents, relatives, and tell them you are heading to the country. The stars will align for a smooth transition as long as you keep John Denver on repeat. Memorize the words to Rocky Mountain High and hit the road.

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